i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
he shaved USA in his pubs
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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