4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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