fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
