Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
