I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
