Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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