Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
