roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
there is puke in my bra ... again
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