About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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