happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
