soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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