i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
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