Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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