if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Houston, we have a blender
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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