Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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