i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just want nice things and good sex
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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