I hate all girls vehemently.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Damn victory sex feels great
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
