The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize