got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
