My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
