party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
