I heard we made out
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
