She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
