I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
