if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I didn't notice because vodka
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
