Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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