I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
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