Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
