So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
