I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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