We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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