she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
