My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize