i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
