just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
