someone get that fucking seahorse.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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