Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
