I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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