The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
