man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
