trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I wish there were birth control emojis
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
