none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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