It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
