If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
