I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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