you have to choose: penises or morals?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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