he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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