You can't motorboat a personality
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Randomize