Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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