There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize