dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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