omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
