If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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