Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
