It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
