apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
