so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
A bitchslap is in order.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
