Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
