You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
