i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize