I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
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