If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
