Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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