bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
