Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
